It made me think of the expression “to have a life”, one of those idioms that violated my logic just because they don’t have a direct correspondent in my native language: how can you question whether someone “has a life?” Everyone, alive, has one! Some might need a better one, but we all have a life. Even those people that dream about having other people’s lives, they still have a life – a shitty one maybe, but they have one. Yet, this culture that I sometimes blame for forgetting about enjoying life and obsessing too much with efficiency and effectiveness, surprisingly came up with this expression supposed to indicate the need for a life beyond breathing, eating, sleeping, and/or (especially) working. It’s true that sometimes it means just adding to the above drinking, eating more, and sleeping with whomever you get the chance, but most of the times the idea is about having a life you enjoy. For some, it means having a social life; for others, having a relationship; and for some it is basically just about…. having sex. And there is also the “get a life” version, another way of saying one should mind his or her own business, especially for those that either don’t get any sex, don’t have any relationships, or don’t have any social life: consequently, they carefully scrutinize the life of those having one, vicariously living through them (the ones that are somehow still capable of love) or expressing their frustrated (non)life by criticizing or being suspicious of everything they see (or they think they see).
I made my self-diagnosis and contentedly concluded that I have a life (of course, in various degrees for each of the above dimensions) and apprehensively realized that my friend was right in her supposition: altogether I am getting too much life these days, so much that I don’t find the time to write about it (well, except right now, when I am obviously not getting any by the above standards)! Too much is too much though, so I guess it is a good break, but where does my mentioned apprehension come from? Of course, from the same norms that I grew up with which told me that life is tough, that happiness comes with effort and that delaying gratification is the key to success. Funny (or sad) enough, studies on emotional intelligence confirm that at least the last contention is true, but that’s a topic for some other time. What amuses me these days is the extent to which some people seem to take quite a bit of interest in the life of others and the rather entertaining way they go about basically validating their own curiosities. My first thought was that they must know little about how much I value friendship if they think I would give out alleged secrets of my friends. I also thought they must not realize how much I value privacy to discuss very personal matters of anyone, for that matter! Not to mention that I sometimes find the type of information they go after completely irrelevant altogether: definitely not the best way to define people, in my books. But after thinking about it, I understood they asked because they know I am also the one who would be honest with them, regardless of what the question is. I appreciate that, so in the name of honesty, I need to warn you that you are wasting such questions on me, because you will not find out from me anything more than you already know. My suggestion is that instead of trying to clarify such mysteries, better enjoy the idiosyncrasies of those you encounter and allow your idiosyncrasies be, because they are yours and repressing them will only make you find out less about you, and that is what I believe people should be focusing on. Innocent inappropriate personal questions add spice to life, and are sometimes a good way to establish or develop intimacy. I am certainly NOT advocating for suppressing them under the cover of political correctness. At the same time, I have to subscribe to the “get a life” advice, as patronizing as it might sound, not because I take pleasure in being condescending, but because it is the best advice I got myself, luckily, long time ago. That’s how I got a life in which I am more interested in understanding the uniqueness of each person rather than trying to fit them in a social category: labeling and categorization help our cognitive functioning but equally hinder the ability to get to know those we label and categorize. I got a life where I try to learn about myself as much as I can, in various ways that some might agree with, some might not - big deal! And a life in which I enjoy the company of others in any way that matches their level of comfortable disclosure, inviting those I value most for deeper interaction but allowing them to resist it if they feel so, justified or not (who’s to say?).
I met quite a few people that I certainly like “having a life” with – of course, different dimensions of the above definition apply selectively to each of them. In some cases, I would happily add some new dimensions to the life we have in common, but until they decide that that would be a good idea, I can only patiently wait, enjoying their timid attempts to closeness and respecting the occasional temporary estrangements they voluntarily or involuntarily display. I was discussing the other day such inconsistencies with a friend of mine who complained about my own unpredictability and I am still not sure I convinced her that it has nothing to do with how much I care about her, but rather with my need to attend to different friends and, why not admit, my preference for independence. She was right that I prioritize some people over others – yes, I do have my own weaknesses for certain people who just trigger in me some unexplained and illogical affection, but did I ever claim to be perfectly rational and always well-behaved? There is your answer. And yes, I know I need to learn to be a bit more careful with those I really want to keep in my life, point taken!
And since I am on the topic of “having a life”, I should also mention my experience with having a second one. I discovered the virtual world Second Life when I was asked to give my “expert” (go figure!) opinion on it for a radio program. I believe in experiencing before criticizing or making any comments on any aspect of life, so I’ve created my alter ego in the cyber-world and became a “real” Second Life resident (yes, that's me, there - handsome, huh?!). I was worried that this might turn into an addictive tool to support my tendency for procrastination and a veritable time-waster, which is exactly what I don’t need these days. However, beyond the excitement I get with anything new and some interesting insights about human nature that I could have probably gotten in the real world as well, I didn’t feel the need to return to my second life for more than just a couple of times. My conclusion for the radio report was, just like with most things in life, that it really depends what you do with it: it could be another way to learn, it could be a waste of time, or it could be a wonderful chance to develop split personality.
Before I got the chance to blog my second life experience, a well-read friend of mine pointed me towards Jenny Diski’s much better written story than what I could produce. So I will leave it at that, except of saying that I am really impressed with the Second Life as a creative work (hats off to you programmers), and a quick note on what the smart lady, being a lady, did not experience or talk about: the fact that in the Second Life if you want a penis, you need to buy one! They let you choose the body you dream of and shape it however you want, but for some reasons having a penis is a premium feature that costs money. Don’t ask me (and feel free to psychoanalyze) why having to pay for my own penis got me less excited about that world, in spite of the fancy features that you can opt for (yep, you read correctly, they have many options)… but what would I do with it anyway? Sex with my computer is definitely not my way of enjoying that part of life.
For that reasons and many others that should be now self-evident, as much as I liked the illusion of flying (except when I hit my head against ceilings or invisible walls protecting restricted areas, which frustrated me even in a fake world), I have decided to stick to my first life.
Instead of getting a second life, I think it is better to keep living my first one as if I was in a virtual world where (almost) anything is possible and where I can afford to be who I am without worrying too much about what others think about me.
“Having a life” does not mean getting a fake one (and warning, fake does not necessarily mean it has to be online!)… “having a life” means interacting, experiencing and learning. I can do all these things in this first life, and until I get really bored with it, I have no need for a second one. It might not be perfect, but at least it came with a free penis!
